International news:

Britain and the US will stage a war-game later this year, simulating a cyber attack on a nuclear power plant, to test the readiness of the government and utility firms. Government sources said the exercise was not triggered by any credible intelligence about the threat of such an attack.

‘It’s got nothing to do with anything,’ said one source. ‘We only run simulated exercises when there is no credible threat. That, and everyone in the office said they wanted to get out a bit more. Really, terrorists aren’t planning to attack our nuclear power plants. I didn’t say “attack”, and I didn’t say “terrorist”’.

The approach will echo a similar exercise last year, which tested how major banks could withstand a cyber-security attack.

‘We did that exercise because there wasn’t a credible threat there, too,’ said the source. ‘Other exercises we’re planning include a multi-national response to the moon banging into the sun, and managing the disruption to Scottish roads that would be caused if Nessie started clog dancing.’

London news:

A cyclist has told how he clasped the hand of a young lorry driver and pleaded with him to ‘hold on’ as he lay mortally wounded under the wheels of his Pinarello.

The cyclist is on trial at the Old Bailey accused of causing the death of the lorry driver by careless cycling. He denies the charge, saying his cycling is more ‘carefree’ than ‘careless’. Last year, eight lorry drivers were killed on London’s roads by irresponsible cyclists.

You got lucky news:

A woman was rescued from Britain’s highest mountain after attempting an ascent while wearing summer clothes and carrying only a sunny disposition.

‘Even though I was scaling a 4.400ft peak where several climbers have been killed in recent months,’ she said, ‘I thought optimism would see me through. I can’t understand how I nearly didn’t make it.

‘I’m now reconsidering my ascent of the north face of the Eiger, wearing only my bikini.’

And finally…

A mild UK winter has boosted sightings of melting birds. The long-tailed tit, the goldfinch and the dunnock are all melting far more rapidly than expected. A representative from the UN’s climate science body said that ‘this could spell disaster for many low-lying cities that could be completely covered in melted bird parts.’

The news will push climate change up the pecking order, with a recognition that it’s no poultry matter and certainly not something to fall foul of. Indeed, the world shouldn’t be chicken about confronting it.

© gvons 2016


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